You know it is festival time again when Kerrang and Metal
Hammer and every music website on the world wide web are telling you what you
need to procure before descending on your favourite British summertime rock
festival.
“Take Wellington boots,” they demand, “because the British
summer can be very unpredictable.” Yes. Thanks to a thousand films portraying
stereotypical English weather and, not to mention, living here, I did already
know this.
“Take toilet roll.” Wise words. Wiping your bum on leaves
and empty beer cans can be a perilous affair.
“You will need a tent!” Really.
So, to save further insult to your intelligence by informing
you of things you need to take to, what is shaping up to be, the greatest rock
festival of 2014, I decide to put
together a list of things that, you might consider bringing, but you really
shouldn’t.
1 The Mona Lisa
You may think a five hundred year old painting to be the
ideal wall hanger for your tent. Not only perfect for covering up that beer
stain, but also adding an air of sophistication for when you invite people in
for a nightcap.
While this all maybe true, have you considered the
practicalities? The Mona Lisa resides behind bullet proof glass in the Louvre
in Paris. You will need to cross the channel. This will require a boat of some description.
Or some duck fat if you don’t have a boat. Swimming the channel covered in duck
fat is hard enough but swimming the return journey with the Mona Lisa tied to
your back? That has never even been attempted.
Then there is the heist itself. The Mona Lisa has already
been stolen once in its lifetime. Back in 1911 a chap called Vincenzo Peruggia,
who worked at the Louvre, hid in a broom cupboard until the museum was closed. He
then left with the Mona Lisa discreetly stuffed down his trousers. Because of
this incident all museum visitors are strip searched when they leave and the
broom cupboards are guarded by giant robotic mice. Or so I heard.
2 Stonehenge
Fancy getting your Druid on over the Sonisphere weekend?
There are easier ways than trying to smuggle Stonehenge into the campsite. Although
there are no official rules governing the erection of prehistoric monuments in
the campsite, doing so would still be considered by many as an etiquette faux
pas. The campsite is going to be heaving when you have the two biggest metal
bands on the planet playing consecutive days. No one will be happy to have
their stroll from the tent to the toilet impeded by a selection of huge monolithic
monoliths. If you are a Druid the basic rule of thumb is; wearing a robe is ok,
but leave the massive stones on the Salisbury plain.
3 A super yacht
You know it looks cool in hip hop videos, but at Sonisphere
you will just look a bit of an idiot. It doesn’t matter how hard it rains in
Knebworth, there will never be enough water in the campsite to float your
yacht. It will just keep falling over and squashing people’s tents. This will
make them very angry with you. No they won’t care that you stole the Mona Lisa
with your yacht, they will still be very annoyed.
4 The Eiger
Assuming you manage to pluck the Eiger from its home in the
Bernese Alps, AND you manage to get it into the campsite AND you don’t mind
people pitching their tents on it, then it would probably be okay.
I would suggest you don’t take it to the main stage area for
two reasons;
1. You would be surprised what gets lost in the pit.
2.
2. The Eiger
is 3970 meters tall so you might obstruct someone’s view.
5 The Dead Sea
At 31 miles long, 9 miles wide and 377 meters deep, The Dead
Sea could be viewed as a slight inconvenience if you chose to decant it in the
camping area. Yes you could float your super yacht in it, but to do so would be
to miss the point of a festival. Festivals are a group thing. A festival is
about many people, not just one person. If festivals were about one person then
they would not be called festivals, they would be called “Onesies” or something
similar. No, my best advice to you is to leave The Dead Sea where it is and
just bring yourself, your friends, your tent and some toilet roll. Oh and don’t
forget Wellington boots, because those British summers can be very
unpredictable.
***All the rubbish you see written here is Kelvin's opinion and not that of his associates, race team or marketing partners.***
