Wednesday 2 February 2011

The Truth About Eggplants

With the Daytona 500 just around the corner and everyone talking about the new points system and the resurfaced track, I thought now would be a good time to explain Eggplants.

Firstly we should dispel the myth that the Eggplant was created in the Swiss Hadron Collider on the 19th of September 2007, during a lunch time experiment in which two scientist replaced Proton beams with an egg and a potato. Although an Eggplant was created, it is not the first evidence of the Eggplant.

Nor is it a plant of the family Nightshade, native to Nepal, India, Bangladesh, Pakistan and Sri Lanka.

The Eggplant's story begins one cold winter in 1844 when a potato, two cucumbers and a green pepper, raped a chicken. 9 months later A curious cross between an egg and a plant popped out of the poor chicken's ringpiece. The Eggplant was born.

The following year the Eggplant was propelled into notoriety by inventing the rubber band. However fame and fortune were not good bedfellows for this strange new creation and the Eggplant quickly fell from grace when it was found drunk in the British Museum and broke The Portland Vase.

Months later, the Eggplant had gone completely mad, burning down most of Pittsburgh and destroying a suspension bridge in Great Yarmouth that killed around 80 people. A warrant was put out for the Eggplants arrest but the Police were unable to locate it's whereabouts. Some thought that the Eggplant was killed in the bridge incident but others believe it just went into hiding.

As years went by, more experiments took place to see if any other Egg/Plant combinations were possible. The most successful came in the early 1900s when scientists working on behalf of the Nazi party in Berlin successfully took fertilized eggs of some of the best scientific minds in history and combined them with the body of the most basic vegetable. The result was a super-intelligent vegetable . The project, codenamed "Hawking" was sent to find the original Eggplant. However, Hawking suffered with a lack of communication skills, and was unable to relay it's new found information. Fortunately, the Nazis had ways of making him talk. They added a computer to Hawking, making him the first OmniCyborg. Hawking told them that the Eggplant was indeed, still at large and, furthermore, had begun to reproduce.

Hawking was sent to find the origins of the universe and nothing was heard of the original Eggplant again until 1939. The Eggplant was aggrieved on hearing about the new Hawking Eggplant and was determined to make the Nazis pay. On September 1st 1939 the Eggplant disguised itself as the entire German army and invaded Poland, starting the deadliest conflict in human history.

It is believed that the Eggplant went into hiding again for the duration of the war. Nothing is documented on Eggplants during this time. However, after the war there were multiple sightings. Too many to all be one Eggplant. It was as Hawkin had hypothesised  these were the offspring of the original Eggplant. It transpired the Eggplant had been sleeping with women all across Germany and getting them pregnant.

For years this was excepted as the way that Eggplants were made. Some right wing loonies tried to claim they grow in the ground like normal plants, but this was disproved when the internet began to show us German women copulating and giving birth to Eggplants.

Since the invention of the Internet, Sexual intercourse with a German woman has been excepted as the regular and most common way to grow an Eggplant. The World Wide Web is littered with websites that clearly depict German women giving birth to Eggplants.

It is using educational websites such as these, that has led me to research this subject. I have also learnt that College girls like to relax by having sex with each other after a strenuous pillow fight, and that a shocking amount of housewives answer the door to plumbers, in their underwear.
What is more shocking is that the plumbers turn up within minutes of being called. I have never known a plumber take less than three days to get to me after I call. Even in an emergency. I have put this down to a issue of race. My plumber is Caucasian, where as all the plumbers depicted on the websites are African American.

As Eggplants have become more widespread throughout the world, people have taken to eating them. Eggplants are fairly easy to cook and can be boiled, scrambled, fried or poached. Poaching Eggplants is not recommended as it is considered poor form on the part of the poacher. It is far more acceptable to find your own German woman and create your own Eggplants.

Now, I know what you are thinking!

You are wondering what happens if you plant an Eggplant in the ground!

Well, I shall tell you that what happens is most peculiar. An Eggplant that is planted, fed and watered regularly, will grow into a Chicken Tree. A Chicken Tree grows to a height of about 8 feet and sprouts dead chickens from it's branches. The chickens that grow on the Chicken Tree differ from the regular chickens because they contain no meat. Chicken Tree chickens are now widely available to the food industry and are used in the making of vegetarian and vegan meals.

So there you have it, the wonderful Eggplant. Bastard, inventor, murderer, sex aid, bigamist and concocter of vegan foods.

You learn something new everyday.

***All the crap you see written here is Kelvin's opinion and not that of his associates, race team or marketing partners.***

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