Sunday 14 November 2010

Kelvin's Bible. Part 1

It has become apparent recently that I do not see the world in quite the same way as many of you. This has made me question some of the beliefs I have and some of the things I do. After much pondering on the subject I have concluded that the only reasonable answer, is that you are all wrong. To this end, I am going to compile a guide to life that, I hope, will help many of you on your slow and tedious journey towards the grave. It should be able to help you make moral judgements and help you to understand the physical world around us. It can also be used for spiritual guidance in your times of need. I am hoping to cover every aspect of life but if you feel there is something I am missing, please let me know, and I shall be sure to cover it in future editions. It will include many quotes from me as well as other heroes of the universe, be sure you heed our words well.

Good luck with your life!

"The Devil is in the detail!" :- Satan 6A.D

When dealing with life, small things are as important as big ones. And it is the small things that you face day to day. We could of started this blog off talking about God and the universe but there is not a lot of point. You see, God and the universe is great, but in a minute you will be making a cup of tea. God and the universe will still be there when you have finished, but the tea making is imminent. It is only a small thing, but you face it every day, so it is important to sort it out. There are many small things to sort out, save the big things for later.

Since we are on the subject of tea, lets deal with it first. The most important thing to remember here is that black cups are wrong. It has been scientifically proven by me that black cups contain a secret, previously unknown molecule, that reacts with tea to make it taste funny. Black cups should be used for show and not actually drunk out of. Not much is known about this molecule but the widely excepted theory is that it was put into the cups by aliens. No one is sure at what point in the cups life this happens but we suspect it is when the cup is being created, because no one really knows how black cups are made...

Each cup of tea requires AT LEAST one teabag. To ask a teabag to make more than one cup of tea is to put that tea bag beyond the call of duty. Every time you move a teabag to a second cup, an Angel dies. You will be punished by God at the final reckoning.

Milk goes in after tea because Angels are better than cows.

Pound Land does not sell tea bags. It sells imitation tea bags that are actually made out of ground up kittens that they stole from orphaned children last Christmas time. Fact. Only use quality tea bags from a brand you can trust.

Everybody has problems with this subject because there are so many ideas and theory's on what is right and wrong and what is good for you and what isn't. It is easier when you break it down to dealing with food over a week, rather than your daily intake.

There are four main food groups:- Breakfast, Pizza, Chocolate and Other.

Breakfast is anything you eat between four in the morning and two in the afternoon. Anything before this time is either a midnight snack, or something you bought from the Kebab shop on the way home from the club to cure your impending hangover. These are called "Meat Aspirins".
Breakfast should involve at least one animal. If breakfast is to be eaten at a breakfast vendors such as a cafe or a restaurant, and there is bacon on the menu, the bacon MUST be eaten. The pig laid down its life so that you could have a nice breakfast. We do not disrespect the pig by turning it down at the breakfast table. The chicken, he just threw in a couple of eggs, but the pig showed true commitment. We must respect that.

If a fry up is not your thing, you can still get your morning animal in with cereal. Just make sure there is a liberal sprinkling of moo juice over it. Likewise, if your having toast, doctors say there is no such thing as too much butter!
Breakfast is required everyday except Tuesday.

Although there is no bad time for pizza, many are confused on which day of our weekly diet we should eat the roundest of our four food groups. Fortunately, Dominos has helped us out by making pizza cheaper on Tuesdays making Tuesday the obvious day to enjoy pizza. Pizzas are wholesome and nutritious and are ideal for the balanced diet as they contain many items from the fourth food group, "Other". Pizza contains many vegetables such as tomato, pepper, mushroom, peperoni and cheese. This means you can get your "5 a day!" in one simple meal!

Pizza can cover a wide variety of items from the food group "other", however, there are some rules. Pineapple is a pudding. It has no place on a pizza. A pizza is a main course and not a pudding. Frozen pizzas are ok if you take them in moderation. A frozen pizza can be used as a stand-in when there is simply no way of getting a real pizza from an approved pizza provider. Pound Land do not sell frozen pizza, the sell imitation pizza that is actually made from the tears of rape victims mixed with the blood of a homeless person. Fact.

Chocolate is the universal food group. It comes in many guises and, despite popular opinion that this is a type of pudding, it can be eaten at any time. Chocolate is good for you because it it dissolves into your blood stream giving you lightning reflexes and super human powers, unfortunately, these only last a short amount of time. However, because chocolate dissolves completely, there is no way it can make you fat. Chocolate comes in the form of bars, cake, biscuits and drink. Only buy chocolate from an approved brand such as Cadburys. beware of cheap imitation chocolate that is made from chopped up war veterans.
Chocolate is eaten everyday except Monday. Double bubble on Sunday though.

Other is food that you eat with less regularity than the previous three food groups. There is too much stuff to deal with in one blog, so, in a future episode of the Bible, I will be offering you some cooking tips on how to make quick and easy meals using items from the food group "Other". Look out for my Sandwich Lite and Pasta Surprise recipes!

***All the crap you see written here is Kelvin's opinion and not that of his associates, race team or marketing partners.***

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