Thursday 25 November 2010

My shampoo made me think and now I need help.

I was in the shower today when my shampoo got me thinking.
It is not everyday that shampoo makes me think, but this is a special shampoo. Now, when I say special shampoo, I do not mean it contains brain enhancing nano bugs that crawl in your ears and make your brain work. Nor is it medicated for stopping them little blood sucking hair bug things that you used to get in school. My shampoo is special because it is by Frizz-Ease and is supposed to make my gorgeous curly locks look healthy and be more manageable.

I shall read you the quote on the side of the bottle.

"Frizz-Ease Anti Frizz Shampoo for heat damaged hair is especially formulated to make Kelvin's gorgeous curly locks look healthy and be more manageable."

See? Told you.

So, there it is, sitting on the bath tub, parked next to my equally important Frizz-Ease super frizz busting, arse kicking, double hard bastard, show-me-some-frizz-and-I'll-punch-it's-teeth-in Conditioner.

My shower started with the usual ritual of taking my clean clothes to the bathroom and forgetting my towel, returning to my room and going on facebook because I can't remember why I returned to my room, reaching up to turn the light on and catching a whiff of my armpit, remembering that I was having a shower, getting towel and returning to bathroom.

Once in the bathroom, I take a moment to check for caterpillars, pausing only to offer an admiring glance at the enormous turds that our cat, Megatron, has deposited in his litter tray. Seriously, that cat's bum hole must be ruined! I swear, one turd was so big I felt like planting a flag at it's summit and giving it a name.

Once I am satisfied that there are no caterpillars spying on me, I then begin the tedious task of turning on the taps. This might seem a simple task to the uninitiated, but in fact, it is a task that requires a steady hand, intense concentration and surgical precision. Despite the wide arcs of movement offered by both the hot and cold taps in our shower, there is actually only two settings:- Freezing and boiling. Trying to find the fine line between this two points is a bit like trying to iron your pubic hair, both dangerous and tricky. You have to reach through the shower to turn the taps. One moment you think you're dodging molten lava, you move one tap a millimetre and the next thing you know, you're standing in an Arctic hail storm. If you do ever find the sweet spot, don't think it will be there tomorrow. The caterpillars go into the shower over night and adjust the taps so that you can't find it again the next day.

Never trust a caterpillar, they are sneaky buggers.

Anyway, I am in the shower, rubbing my new shampoo on to my hair when I thought, "Why have I bought this shampoo?" The only answer I could think of was vanity. I want my hair to look nice for me and for other people. I don't like frizz. And for that I blame God. He must be responsible because he put that Apple on that tree. He told Eve not to eat it, knowing full well that the only way to guarantee a woman will do something is to tell her not to do it. If it wasn't for God and religion we would all be running around butt naked and I wouldn't have had to buy shampoo. But then, if I didn't buy the shampoo, the poor Australian people that made it would have no money. They wouldn't be able to buy food to put on their barbecue and they would starve and that's bad. We would then have to try and find ways to feed the Australians so we would invent Genetically Modified foods and probably make one massive burger for them to cook that would feed them for, like, ever. But that would have to come from a massive cow. And cows come from other cows so we would have to make two massive cows that could do the sexy time to make the massive cow for the burger. But then they would have to come from massive cows too, so we would have to make more massive cows. Before you know it the whole world would be over run by massive cows. We would be drowning in milk. We would have to make dams out of Wheatabix to try to soak it all up. (There is a top tip there actually. You pour milk over your Wheatabix and it is gone in seconds, so next time you spill milk somewhere, just throw a couple of Wheatabix on it, will clean it up no problem.) Of course, when the burger gets to Australia, they need to cook it. The only thing big enough for that would be a forest fire. The problem with that is all the milk putting the flames out. We would need a Wheatabix wall around the forest before we set it alight. And a bun for the burger. I then started to realise that we would need a lot of wheat. This could prove tricky to grow when everywhere is covered in milk with giant cows marching about so I started making plans on ways to grow wheat on the moon.

And that's about the point when I got out of the shower. As you can see this brainstorm has raised some important issues and has led me to an critical question, to which I am hoping you will offer your insight and help me make the right choice.

Being as it's winter, should I be having baths instead of showers?

***All the crap you see written here is Kelvin's opinion and not that of his associates, race team or marketing partners.***


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Kelvin Hassell said...

Yay! I'm helpful! =]

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