Saturday 24 March 2012

There is a reason you must always carry a Zippo lighter.

The other day, my Team Awesome team mate and I were watching a documentary about UFO's.
Unidentified Flying Objects.
We watched it as sceptics to see if it would challenge our belief that only drunk country hicks ever see aliens. It certainly did challenge this idea, pointing to a few credible people that have claimed to see flying saucers.
However, though I understand that there are probably lots of things flying around the clouds that are "Unidentified", I happen to believe that they are more likely to be piloted by a bloke called Dave from Basingstoke, than a small grey creature from the lesser regions of Alpha Centauri.

After the program I pointed out that I believe more in ghosts than I do in aliens. My team mate disagreed.


Stating, also wrongly, that there is more evidence to support the ideas of aliens than there are for ghost. I then pointed out that his mother is so fat, her left butt cheek is actually in another time zone. He said "You can be very childish sometimes." To which I countered, "You are more." Before leaving my seat and ambling to the front door, with an accompaniment of aeroplane noises, to defecate in his new trainers.

Although it wasn't discussed at the time, I think one thing we can both agree on, is that neither of us believe in curtains.

Curtains are quite possibly the stupidest invention in the history of the world. I don't have curtains and haven't since I left home.
Humans, like all animals, rely on light to tell their bodies what they should be doing. If it is light, you should be up and foraging for food. If it is dark, you should be watching Simpsons or asleep. These things were built into us at our creation. When it is light outside, I want to see it. I want it to wake me up. Likewise, if it is dark and cold outside, I don't want to be woken up. This is a perfectly natural thing.
"Yes," I hear you cry in that stupid voice you use when you think you are more clever than I am, "But when I get up, I open the curtains to let the light in!"
Well, I'm afraid all that proves is, that you're a git.

You got the things hanging there, covering a perfectly good window. They probably cost you a fortune and dare I say it, they look very nice.
To you.
All your friends think they are ghastly horrid things. I know they said "Oh yes, they're lovely!" When you showed them your freshly purchased window coverer. Truth be told, they wouldn't use them to wipe their dog's bottom. They look like a hobo has vomited on to a table cloth, and you thought it would look nice hanging on the wall. Better than a window. But even you KNOW you're wrong because in the day time, when you are about the house or when you have friends over, the curtain is tied up in a bunch to the side of the window. You cant even see the bloody thing. No no no, you only unveil this terrible contraption at night. When no one is around to see it. Including you, you're going to bed.

Frankly, anyone with curtains is an idiot. Curtains have been responsible for more wars and mass genocide than any over invention in the world. They have a terrible impact on the environment. The curtain has all but wiped out the Caspian Tiger and the Sumatran Rhino. It has increased third world debt and made many thousands of staving children homeless.
Next time someone is showing you their new curtains, think about the children and the future generations of this world. Then set alight to his new curtains. Think of the world you are saving as you watch them burn.

Together we can make the world a better place.

That is why you must always carry a Zippo lighter.

***All the crap you see written here is Kelvin's opinion and not that of his associates, race team or marketing partners.***

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