Friday 13 April 2012


Today's blog is about a lovely weekends racing marred by yet another attempt on my life.

The Easter races at Warneton in Belgium, marks the start of the European Late Model Series. There are lots of reasons to go to Belgium. Actually there are none, But that's where the track is, so that's where we went.

The demise of Sea France means that we are kind of obliged to use P&O for our channel crossing needs. Not that we mind, because we would use P&O anyway. Given the choice between a Sea France vessel and that of a Somali pirate, I would wager you would see better service, better food and friendlier staff on the pirate ship. The last time I was on a Sea France boat, the waiter in the restaurant treated me as if I had just urinated over his shoes. If I had urinated over his shoes and he had then taken them off, put them on a plate, garnished them with a freshly squeezed turd and served the whole ensemble to my table, it would still have tasted better than the warm vomit that spewed forth from the ships catering department on the day in question. Still, they've gone bust now. Long live P&O!

RCD-UK were testing their three cars at the track on Friday. This could have gone better as one of those cars ended up in the wall. For those that are not familiar with this part of motorsport, the idea of a test day is to make the car better as the day goes on, so that you end the day with a better car than you started with.The problem with cars in the wall at the beginning of a test day, is that you spend the rest of the day making the car the same as it was in the morning. Two out of three isn't bad though, and the team took home some valuable information. RCD hire their cars out, as do Roots V8 Racing who I usually drive for; so if you did want to come and play our game, you can.

Saturday was a busy day, I just had time to pump up the tyres on the #4 car and drive it around the track to make sure nothing fell off the car. Then we failed technical inspection.

The problem with the original Tanner cars such as the #4, is that the designer made them to be fast, not to move large lumps of lead around. This means that there are no places to put any extra ballast and I wasn't prepared to mess around fabricating one in the time we had until the first race.

Penalties are usually applied after a race, there is no precedent for people wishing to turn up and deliberately cheat. Which is basically what I was asking to do.

You know, I long for the days when we can go back to the old weight rules. We are gradually making our cars less fun to drive at the cost of using up more brakes and tyres. Then again, I also hope that one day there will be peace throughout the world and that maybe even a chicken can cross the road without having his motives questioned. Everyone can have a dream.

The penalty was agreed with the drivers, that I can start from the naughty step. Cars in the European Late Model Series start in groups based on average points scores. Just like domestic U.K stockcars but without the coloured roofs. The first group is for rookies then there are about three more groups on your way up to defending champion and superstars. Behind this group, is the naughty step. For drivers that think Late Models is a contact sport. Or that the rule book was advisory and should only be used in the workshop as toilet paper or to prop up a wobbly table.

Anyway there I was, and for company I had "Jeff" Gordon Barnes in the #24 Chevroford, he too had come in under weight and was faced with the same predicament. From our lowly position at the back, I have to say I had some of the most enjoyable racing I've had for a while. After a couple of lucky cautions and taking some diabolical liberties with the "non-contact" rule, I even got a third in the feature race on Sunday.

On Monday however, I was the victim of a savage and vicious attack for doing nothing more than eating a sandwich.

Such was my distress that I forget the nature of the sandwich in question. I have managed to block out some of the horror that unfolded, but sometimes I still wake up in the night screaming. You might think I am over reacting but you weren't there, man, you weren't there. We were called up for a drivers photo and I had managed to stow away a sandwich for my walk across the pits. It was beautiful. Soft white bread. I moved it to my lips, wondering what taste sensation would lie within. Then,suddenly, I was assaulted by a supposed female friend. She had decided, wrongly, that eating a sandwich is a two player game.

We constantly argue about food.

"Do you want some chips?"
"No, I'll have some of yours."
"No you won't. If you want chips I will buy you some."
"Why can't I have some of yours?"
"Because they're mine. I want a bag of chips. I know I want a bag of chips, that's why I'm buying a bag of chips. If I wanted a half empty bag of chips, I would buy a half empty bag of chips. If you want chips, I will buy a bag for you. You don't have to eat them all, but you are not eating mine."

It's the same in restaurants. We order food.
"Can I have some of yours?"
"You can have some of mine."
"I don't want some of yours. If I wanted some of yours I would have ordered what your having."
"But I want some of yours."
"You should have ordered it then."

Why is the concept of ordering the food you want so difficult for women to grasp?

Anyway, I already had the sandwich part of the way in my mouth when she swooped like a vulture and took a bite so big, that she bit off part of my face with the sandwich. There was blood everywhere. It was like that scene in Carrie. I was taken away for medical attention. My life will never be the same again.

Mr Hassell has started rehabilitation from his facial injuries and he is currently filing litigation against the woman in question.

The woman has forwarded Kelvin and his legal team the following statement: "Regarding the incident that took place outside the Roots V8 Racing team garage at Warneton involving Kelvin, Myself and a sandwich, I would just like to say, grow up you big girls blouse. "

Mr Hassell has no further statement.

***All the crap you see written here is Kelvin's opinion and not that of his associates, race team or marketing partners.***

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