You know it is festival time again when Kerrang and Metal Hammer and every music website on the world wide web are telling you what you need to procure before descending on your favourite British summertime rock festival.
“Take Wellington boots,” they demand, “because the British summer can be very unpredictable.” Yes. Thanks to a thousand films portraying stereotypical English weather and, not to mention, living here, I did already know this.
“Take toilet roll.” Wise words. Wiping your bum on leaves and empty beer cans can be a perilous affair.
“You will need a tent!” Really.
So, to save further insult to your intelligence by informing you of things you need to take to, what is shaping up to be, the greatest rock festival of 2014, I decide to put together a list of things that, you might consider bringing, but you really shouldn’t.
1 The Mona Lisa
You may think a five hundred year old painting to be the ideal wall hanger for your tent. Not only perfect for covering up that beer stain, but also adding an air of sophistication for when you invite people in for a nightcap.
While this all maybe true, have you considered the practicalities? The Mona Lisa resides behind bullet proof glass in the Louvre in Paris. You will need to cross the channel. This will require a boat of some description. Or some duck fat if you don’t have a boat. Swimming the channel covered in duck fat is hard enough but swimming the return journey with the Mona Lisa tied to your back? That has never even been attempted.
Then there is the heist itself. The Mona Lisa has already been stolen once in its lifetime. Back in 1911 a chap called Vincenzo Peruggia, who worked at the Louvre, hid in a broom cupboard until the museum was closed. He then left with the Mona Lisa discreetly stuffed down his trousers. Because of this incident all museum visitors are strip searched when they leave and the broom cupboards are guarded by giant robotic mice. Or so I heard.
Fancy getting your Druid on over the Sonisphere weekend? There are easier ways than trying to smuggle Stonehenge into the campsite. Although there are no official rules governing the erection of prehistoric monuments in the campsite, doing so would still be considered by many as an etiquette faux pas. The campsite is going to be heaving when you have the two biggest metal bands on the planet playing consecutive days. No one will be happy to have their stroll from the tent to the toilet impeded by a selection of huge monolithic monoliths. If you are a Druid the basic rule of thumb is; wearing a robe is ok, but leave the massive stones on the Salisbury plain.
3 A super yacht
You know it looks cool in hip hop videos, but at Sonisphere you will just look a bit of an idiot. It doesn’t matter how hard it rains in Knebworth, there will never be enough water in the campsite to float your yacht. It will just keep falling over and squashing people’s tents. This will make them very angry with you. No they won’t care that you stole the Mona Lisa with your yacht, they will still be very annoyed.
4 The Eiger
Assuming you manage to pluck the Eiger from its home in the Bernese Alps, AND you manage to get it into the campsite AND you don’t mind people pitching their tents on it, then it would probably be okay.
I would suggest you don’t take it to the main stage area for two reasons;
1. You would be surprised what gets lost in the pit.
2. 2. The Eiger is 3970 meters tall so you might obstruct someone’s view.
5 The Dead Sea
At 31 miles long, 9 miles wide and 377 meters deep, The Dead Sea could be viewed as a slight inconvenience if you chose to decant it in the camping area. Yes you could float your super yacht in it, but to do so would be to miss the point of a festival. Festivals are a group thing. A festival is about many people, not just one person. If festivals were about one person then they would not be called festivals, they would be called “Onesies” or something similar. No, my best advice to you is to leave The Dead Sea where it is and just bring yourself, your friends, your tent and some toilet roll. Oh and don’t forget Wellington boots, because those British summers can be very unpredictable.
***All the rubbish you see written here is Kelvin's opinion and not that of his associates, race team or marketing partners.***